New Definitions

I learned a very appropriate Xhosa phrase yesterday:
ku shushu kakhulu
Roughly translated it means: "It is way too hot to function. I might actually spontaneously combust. Please thrown me into a pool of ice water!"

In the past 7 weeks I've had to redefine a lot of my American ways of thinking and approaches to life.

A first example is my new definition of hot. 40 degrees Celsius combined with humidity is kind of ridiculous. I know it's cold in the States but, seriously, you don't wish it was this hot.

Second, I have a whole new definition of tiredness. It's one thing to be physically tired during track season or mentally tired during exam week. It's a whole other thing to be emotionally exhausted. I absolutely, 100% mean it when I continuously tell my kids they are beautiful and wonderful. I let my heart speak. That takes a lot. I give a little of my love to them in every discussion of a nucleus and every math problem. That takes a lot. What takes the most are situations like this:
10 year old girl. Her mother died Saturday. She is living with her grandmother, along with her 2 year old brother. I let her wash dishes with me and she drops a plate. I am soaked with dirty water as she looks up at me apologetically. I laugh and pull her into me. My heart is broken into a million pieces. I do my best to transfer love, acceptance, comfort and stability in 1 hug.
That takes a lot.

Lastly, and probably most difficult, I have a whole new definition of productivity.

In the States:

1. Respond to 10 emails

2. Mop the floor

3. Wash the car
4. Go to the bank

5. Get gas in the car

These five tasks are easily accomplished on a Saturday morning...no big deal.

The American culture and, consequently, my way of thinking is very task oriented. If I can't scratch items off my list then I have accomplished nothing. Part of the reason I make lists to begin with is just for the satisfaction of crossing things off. Sometimes when I make a really long list I write things on there that I already did just so I can cross them off and trick myself into thinking I've actually accomplished something. At work or at school we are given tasks to perform. Our worth is decided on how well and how quickly we accomplish these tasks. You are not given an A because you go in and ask how the professor is doing. You earn an A because you struggled with the homework, studied for the tests and did everything well. You completed the tasks assigned.

Here's where cultural differences come into play. The Xhosa culture is no where near task oriented. It is purely relationship based. If someone tells you they will work on something right now, expect it no sooner then 2 hours later. They will see someone and begin a conversation with them. They will go get coffee and have a chat with everyone else that's there. Relationships and people, not tasks, control the culture. It is not uncommon that my hand will be grabbed during a conversation or on a walk and held for several minutes. I am important, not the business conversation we are having or our final destination. It is liberating and breathes a sense of life into me. Everyone else matters, not my list.

This is what I am seeing, what I am living and what I am absolutely, unbelievably, uncontrollably loving! It's difficult, though, and I am torn. I am learning to be truly and fully relationship based. I have built so many amazing friendships. But, then, I am so far away from some of the most important relationships in my life. How am I supposed to reconcile this? I took on the task of serving in Kayamandi for 5 months to form relationships and I am saddened and shocked that I only have 90 days left. Time has flown by and I love this place. But, at the same moment, I willingly left behind relationships. I'm missing out on birthdays, performances, competitions, speeches and doing life with the people I love. Sometimes it's hard. It's a sacrifice. It doesn't make sense. But it's lovely and exciting. It's my God. This is my God. This is His doing. And that makes me smile. That makes me comforted. That reminds me why I left and reassures me that, no matter where I am, I am still doing life with all the people that make up my life.

love to every single one of you.